I decide to stay in tonight. I have an invite to a party locally, but I know I will smoke. Because of my spectacular lapse last week, I decide to stay home and watch a film. Anyone who knows will realise that this is very unusual behaviour for me. Normally eliciting such responses as: 'Are you not well?'
A friend turns up very unexpectedly in the middle of the evening. So, with a change of plan we go for a meal. I am still very aware that food is tasting much better. We are in my favourite Italian place and I have some of the best cannelloni I have ever eaten. I am aware that I can taste the individual ingredients: Pumpkin, tomato, pine nuts etc. I hope that I never take for granted how much stronger things taste now. It is almost like the have brighter colour after being faded and nearly black and white.
Saturday, 7 July 2007
Friday, 6 July 2007
Day 19 - The Go! Team
One of the perks of my job is tickets, or VIP lists to some spectacular shows and events. In fact, as I am a very social animal, it is a prime motivator for doing a lot of the work I do.
Tonight is no exception. This afternoon I am bouncing around the office as I have tickets to see the Go! Team at the ICA. I've seen them at Koko, next door to my work and it was mental. The walls were practically bending in sympathy to the music and the dancing.
This time, they are playing in a much smaller and more intimate venue.
I meet my friend at a bar near Charing Cross Road. It is a lovely evening and we have a glass of wine and a cigarette outside… oh noooooo…
The Go! Team are fabulous. We sit on the steps of The Mall afterwards to calm down a little before heading into Soho.
I lapse once again. I realise, even as I am working my way through my friend's packet of cigarettes, that I still have a bit more will power to muster, and time without cigarettes before I can come out on a wild night and not smoke.
Tonight is no exception. This afternoon I am bouncing around the office as I have tickets to see the Go! Team at the ICA. I've seen them at Koko, next door to my work and it was mental. The walls were practically bending in sympathy to the music and the dancing.
This time, they are playing in a much smaller and more intimate venue.
I meet my friend at a bar near Charing Cross Road. It is a lovely evening and we have a glass of wine and a cigarette outside… oh noooooo…
The Go! Team are fabulous. We sit on the steps of The Mall afterwards to calm down a little before heading into Soho.
I lapse once again. I realise, even as I am working my way through my friend's packet of cigarettes, that I still have a bit more will power to muster, and time without cigarettes before I can come out on a wild night and not smoke.
Thursday, 5 July 2007
Day 18
I really rocked the boat the other day. After just over two weeks of not smoking, I had one evening of being my 'old' self. However, two days later, I have my full confidence back. I still don't want a cigarette and I'm looking forward again.
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Day 17
My throat is rough today. I had five cigarettes last night - along with wine, beer and loud talking.
Last night I was worried that I would want to smoke again today. However, I do a mental check. Brain to body: Cigarettes? Body to brain: No way, José!
I am safe. I feel rough, but at least I don't have that nagging cigarette thing again.
I go for a run. I need to clear my lungs out. I can feel that old feeling in my body - like there is smoke in my bloodstream, or something. I realise that I've actually been feeling a lot better than I thought, but the change has been gradual over a few weeks so I didn't really notice it.
Last night I was worried that I would want to smoke again today. However, I do a mental check. Brain to body: Cigarettes? Body to brain: No way, José!
I am safe. I feel rough, but at least I don't have that nagging cigarette thing again.
I go for a run. I need to clear my lungs out. I can feel that old feeling in my body - like there is smoke in my bloodstream, or something. I realise that I've actually been feeling a lot better than I thought, but the change has been gradual over a few weeks so I didn't really notice it.
Tuesday, 3 July 2007
Day 16 - My spectacular downfall!
In a week or so time, I am taking performing in a big party. Tonight I have a small practice session at home with my friend. He arrives with the obligatory 'home rehearsal bottle of wine'.
I have two glasses whilst practising when I realise that I would like a cigarette. My friend and I discuss the issue for a few moments before going into the garden to smoke. The weather is horrendous. What has been an ominously dark sky all afternoon breaks into torrential black rain. We are huddled under an umbrella. Anyone who has ever attempted to hold an umbrella, a glass of wine and a cigarette will know what an unsatisfying experience this is!
We continue to play and I am a little disappointed with myself as I feel smoky and it affects my singing (I've regained the top range of my voice again, which I lost when I was about 17. I thought it was because I was getting older and my voice was getting deeper, but I now know that it must've just been the cigarettes).
After our rehearsal, we go to a local pub. I already know this will be a bad idea. However, it is unavoidable as a good friend who has been away for long time is there as well as some other friends who rarely manage to congregate together.
We are under the marquee in the garden. I have a pint of very fine ale. I have one cigarette… two… three… four… five…
I am very aware that I am smoking. Not only am I smoking, but I am smoking almost the way I did with my old habit. I also notice that I have this perverse desire to dip my cigarettes in my beer and eat them.
I have two glasses whilst practising when I realise that I would like a cigarette. My friend and I discuss the issue for a few moments before going into the garden to smoke. The weather is horrendous. What has been an ominously dark sky all afternoon breaks into torrential black rain. We are huddled under an umbrella. Anyone who has ever attempted to hold an umbrella, a glass of wine and a cigarette will know what an unsatisfying experience this is!
We continue to play and I am a little disappointed with myself as I feel smoky and it affects my singing (I've regained the top range of my voice again, which I lost when I was about 17. I thought it was because I was getting older and my voice was getting deeper, but I now know that it must've just been the cigarettes).
After our rehearsal, we go to a local pub. I already know this will be a bad idea. However, it is unavoidable as a good friend who has been away for long time is there as well as some other friends who rarely manage to congregate together.
We are under the marquee in the garden. I have a pint of very fine ale. I have one cigarette… two… three… four… five…
I am very aware that I am smoking. Not only am I smoking, but I am smoking almost the way I did with my old habit. I also notice that I have this perverse desire to dip my cigarettes in my beer and eat them.
Monday, 2 July 2007
Day 15 - Two weeks done - Carrots are great!
Two weeks done! It has flown by. In fact, apart from the days numbered at the top of this blog, I'm not really counting off the no smoking days any more. That must be a good sign - that I am not thinking 'I have not had a cigarette for x amount of days', but that I am just moving forward and thinking about normal things again.
Today I am back at my old workplace. The smoking ban is in place and I don't expect people to be smoking around me and making me want cigarettes. I have my carrots - and celery! I have juice and a bag of cashew nuts. I'm not a health freak, by any stretch, but these are the things that help me not think about cigarettes. I read somewhere that when you stop smoking, your appetite comes back. It did with me, ferociously! I knew that if I started eating junk food snacks, that I'd feel sick and start to put weight on. The funny thing is, that my taste has come back. Chocolate bars (as in cheap snack bars) taste completely disgusting now. They are so sugary and bland. Whereas carrots have become these wonderful snack bars for me!
Sunflower seeds are supposed to have something in them that helps replace nicotine. Please don't quote me on that (my friend told me and she is an artist - not a scientist!), but it is clear that having nibbly foods really helps the appetite and the habit of what to do with your hands.
Today I am back at my old workplace. The smoking ban is in place and I don't expect people to be smoking around me and making me want cigarettes. I have my carrots - and celery! I have juice and a bag of cashew nuts. I'm not a health freak, by any stretch, but these are the things that help me not think about cigarettes. I read somewhere that when you stop smoking, your appetite comes back. It did with me, ferociously! I knew that if I started eating junk food snacks, that I'd feel sick and start to put weight on. The funny thing is, that my taste has come back. Chocolate bars (as in cheap snack bars) taste completely disgusting now. They are so sugary and bland. Whereas carrots have become these wonderful snack bars for me!
Sunflower seeds are supposed to have something in them that helps replace nicotine. Please don't quote me on that (my friend told me and she is an artist - not a scientist!), but it is clear that having nibbly foods really helps the appetite and the habit of what to do with your hands.
Sunday, 1 July 2007
Day 14 - The Smoking Ban
Today the smoking ban comes in. No longer is it permitted to smoke in public restaurants, bars, clubs, cafés work places and more. Smoking bans are not a new thing. In 1590, Pope Urban VII' introduced the world's first known public smoking ban. Anyone who "took tobacco in the porchway of or inside a church, whether it be by chewing it, smoking it with a pipe or sniffing it in powdered form through the nose" would be excommunicated.
Today's smoking ban carries equally severe penalty of up to £200 for lighting up in the wrong place. There is no pleading ignorance either as hundreds of ugly no smoking signs have been stuck to windows of your favourite going out spots.
How do I feel? Well, my opinion is that the law is a little severe - that smoking is a personal choice and that it would be fair to have some places - private clubs, where people can do as they see fit. I could throw in that car fumes - which are also toxic will never be banned will they? Living in London, I have no choice but to breathe them.
Anyway, without wishing to open a can of worms on the subject, it is actually rather pleasant going into a café today and not walking into a wall of fuggy smoke when I get a drink.
The smoking ban must surely be positive in the long run - that it will kick start many people into kicking the habit and getting healthier.
I do wish all those ugly no smoking signs would come down, though. They really are unnecessary.
Today's smoking ban carries equally severe penalty of up to £200 for lighting up in the wrong place. There is no pleading ignorance either as hundreds of ugly no smoking signs have been stuck to windows of your favourite going out spots.
How do I feel? Well, my opinion is that the law is a little severe - that smoking is a personal choice and that it would be fair to have some places - private clubs, where people can do as they see fit. I could throw in that car fumes - which are also toxic will never be banned will they? Living in London, I have no choice but to breathe them.
Anyway, without wishing to open a can of worms on the subject, it is actually rather pleasant going into a café today and not walking into a wall of fuggy smoke when I get a drink.
The smoking ban must surely be positive in the long run - that it will kick start many people into kicking the habit and getting healthier.
I do wish all those ugly no smoking signs would come down, though. They really are unnecessary.
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