Day 30

Well, this is the last day of the 'test'. It has been an incredible journey; watching myself, my habits over the last thirty days. Quitting smoking is in some ways very simple and in other ways it involves a complete upheaval of the way you think and act. For a smoker, cigarettes are insiduously integral to your life. Meaning: smoking is your girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner. It is always there to reassure you and to nag you!

I had three major lapses over the last thirty days. All involving going near alcohol. With a little hindsight, I would have not had any alcohol until I felt that I was in a 'safety zone' of not thinking about cigarettes being integral with drinking alcohol.

I have had many conversation in this time with people about smoking. Many of my friends are cutting down and quitting right now. Some as a result of reading this blog.

I'll admit, I'm not quite there. Over the next thirty days, I will be looking at Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) as an option to help the habit. This includes chewing gum and patches. There are other options that include acupuncture and hypnotherapy.

I won't be maintaining this diary on a daily basis now, but I will post my results of alternative treatment I submit myself too. If I find a magic answer - you'll be the first to know!

You may post any comments and questions – I read them all and will offer pointers and advice if I am able (but please remember I am not a doctor and can only offer advice or information based on my own experience).

Don't forget to look at: www.findwillpower.com for more information on NRT as well as events.

I hope you have enjoyed and benefitted from reading this diary as much as I have enjoyed writing about it.

If there is one piece of advice that I can give, it is that stopping smoking takes willpower. You have to really want to quit and think about ways that will help you stay out of danger areas.

Good Luck!

Day 26 - poncing cigarettes

It is the weekend. My epic hangover from Thursday night still lingers. As I write this, (on Sunday) I can see my spectacular downfall. I am so close to the thirty day trial, but I have broken my own '24 hour rule'. I know that this means that I haven't fundamentally broken the smoking habit. My willpower is at the lowest point for a month. Somehow, I have to re-motivate myself and get back on track.

I've been thinking ahead that I should stay well away from pubs, bars and alcohol until I'm really sure that I don't equate a pint of beer with a cigarette. I have been out for the occasional drink and not smoked, but after about two pints, or three glasses of wine, my self discipline seems to vanish and I end up poncing loads of cigarettes of anyone who will give me them. Embarrassing behaviour, indeed.

Day 25 - The hangover

I don't know how many cigarettes I smoked last night. My throat feels like it is full of wire wool and my lungs are burning. That isn't the worst bit though. I feel I've let myself down after doing so well. I think that after all the party preparation, I just wanted to let my hair down and enjoy myself. I could've done that without smoking - or maybe not smoking so much, but I just let the old hard drinking, hard smoking habit come right back. :-(

Day 24 - Mr Kite!

Today is a big day. Tonight is the big party that has been several months in the planning. The party is a circus style event, with rope dancers, Punch & Judy, burlesque and more!

I am taking part in several performances this evening. However, nerves get the better of me and I have a cigarette with a glass of wine to calm myself down. This proves a very bad move as, by the end of the night, I am wandering around asking people for cigarettes.

Day 23 - Day before the big party!

It is the day before the big party. Smoking-wise, I feel a little… doomed. I am already thinking ahead that I will smoke at the party. It isn't a positive thought, but I can't break it. I'm working out a damage limitation plan, but I can't really think of anything - especially with all the preparations taking place today. At least I'm not smoking today!

Day 22 - Running about!

Today I have many errands. In two days time is a big circus event I am involved with. My shopping list includes riding jodpurs, top hats and false moustaches.

All this activity is good for not smoking. I do think about cigarettes occassionally, but just in a way that I am watching myself and not because I actually want one. Being busy with activities is definitely part of the key to not smoking!

Day 21 - driving

I have a '24 hour rule'. That is, if I do smoke whilst on my trial stop smoking, then I must not smoke the next day. That is my only rule.

After my second freefall into Smoketown on Friday, I have comfortably negotiated the rest of the weekend without cigarettes.

Monday feels quite positive. For me it is a time when I can get busy again and away from the party lifestyle - that I really need right now if I am going to stop smoking properly.

However, I had a think over the weekend. As I mention at the beginning of this blog, I enjoy smoking. I really do and that still holds true. Some people turn their noses up at this and say that it is a disgusting, yucky, smelly habit. I agree. I still like it and I don't see how anyone is going to change that!

Here lies a problem. I never want to go back to being a habitual smoker. I am asking myself, can I have the occasional cigarette? Well, that is how I started again when I quit before.

Some of my friends can do this. They have one or two cigarettes at a party and don't smoke for months on end.

This is dangerous ground. I am not fully committed to not smoking. I am committed to not being a habitual smoker - there is big difference.

Day 20 - Well tasty!

I decide to stay in tonight. I have an invite to a party locally, but I know I will smoke. Because of my spectacular lapse last week, I decide to stay home and watch a film. Anyone who knows will realise that this is very unusual behaviour for me. Normally eliciting such responses as: 'Are you not well?'

A friend turns up very unexpectedly in the middle of the evening. So, with a change of plan we go for a meal. I am still very aware that food is tasting much better. We are in my favourite Italian place and I have some of the best cannelloni I have ever eaten. I am aware that I can taste the individual ingredients: Pumpkin, tomato, pine nuts etc. I hope that I never take for granted how much stronger things taste now. It is almost like the have brighter colour after being faded and nearly black and white.

Day 19 - The Go! Team

One of the perks of my job is tickets, or VIP lists to some spectacular shows and events. In fact, as I am a very social animal, it is a prime motivator for doing a lot of the work I do.

Tonight is no exception. This afternoon I am bouncing around the office as I have tickets to see the Go! Team at the ICA. I've seen them at Koko, next door to my work and it was mental. The walls were practically bending in sympathy to the music and the dancing.

This time, they are playing in a much smaller and more intimate venue.

I meet my friend at a bar near Charing Cross Road. It is a lovely evening and we have a glass of wine and a cigarette outside… oh noooooo…

The Go! Team are fabulous. We sit on the steps of The Mall afterwards to calm down a little before heading into Soho.

I lapse once again. I realise, even as I am working my way through my friend's packet of cigarettes, that I still have a bit more will power to muster, and time without cigarettes before I can come out on a wild night and not smoke.

Day 18

I really rocked the boat the other day. After just over two weeks of not smoking, I had one evening of being my 'old' self. However, two days later, I have my full confidence back. I still don't want a cigarette and I'm looking forward again.

Day 17

My throat is rough today. I had five cigarettes last night - along with wine, beer and loud talking.

Last night I was worried that I would want to smoke again today. However, I do a mental check. Brain to body: Cigarettes? Body to brain: No way, José!

I am safe. I feel rough, but at least I don't have that nagging cigarette thing again.

I go for a run. I need to clear my lungs out. I can feel that old feeling in my body - like there is smoke in my bloodstream, or something. I realise that I've actually been feeling a lot better than I thought, but the change has been gradual over a few weeks so I didn't really notice it.

Day 16 - My spectacular downfall!

In a week or so time, I am taking performing in a big party. Tonight I have a small practice session at home with my friend. He arrives with the obligatory 'home rehearsal bottle of wine'.

I have two glasses whilst practising when I realise that I would like a cigarette. My friend and I discuss the issue for a few moments before going into the garden to smoke. The weather is horrendous. What has been an ominously dark sky all afternoon breaks into torrential black rain. We are huddled under an umbrella. Anyone who has ever attempted to hold an umbrella, a glass of wine and a cigarette will know what an unsatisfying experience this is!

We continue to play and I am a little disappointed with myself as I feel smoky and it affects my singing (I've regained the top range of my voice again, which I lost when I was about 17. I thought it was because I was getting older and my voice was getting deeper, but I now know that it must've just been the cigarettes).

After our rehearsal, we go to a local pub. I already know this will be a bad idea. However, it is unavoidable as a good friend who has been away for long time is there as well as some other friends who rarely manage to congregate together.

We are under the marquee in the garden. I have a pint of very fine ale. I have one cigarette… two… three… four… five…

I am very aware that I am smoking. Not only am I smoking, but I am smoking almost the way I did with my old habit. I also notice that I have this perverse desire to dip my cigarettes in my beer and eat them.

Day 15 - Two weeks done - Carrots are great!

Two weeks done! It has flown by. In fact, apart from the days numbered at the top of this blog, I'm not really counting off the no smoking days any more. That must be a good sign - that I am not thinking 'I have not had a cigarette for x amount of days', but that I am just moving forward and thinking about normal things again.

Today I am back at my old workplace. The smoking ban is in place and I don't expect people to be smoking around me and making me want cigarettes. I have my carrots - and celery! I have juice and a bag of cashew nuts. I'm not a health freak, by any stretch, but these are the things that help me not think about cigarettes. I read somewhere that when you stop smoking, your appetite comes back. It did with me, ferociously! I knew that if I started eating junk food snacks, that I'd feel sick and start to put weight on. The funny thing is, that my taste has come back. Chocolate bars (as in cheap snack bars) taste completely disgusting now. They are so sugary and bland. Whereas carrots have become these wonderful snack bars for me!

Sunflower seeds are supposed to have something in them that helps replace nicotine. Please don't quote me on that (my friend told me and she is an artist - not a scientist!), but it is clear that having nibbly foods really helps the appetite and the habit of what to do with your hands.

Day 14 - The Smoking Ban

Today the smoking ban comes in. No longer is it permitted to smoke in public restaurants, bars, clubs, cafés work places and more. Smoking bans are not a new thing. In 1590, Pope Urban VII' introduced the world's first known public smoking ban. Anyone who "took tobacco in the porchway of or inside a church, whether it be by chewing it, smoking it with a pipe or sniffing it in powdered form through the nose" would be excommunicated.

Today's smoking ban carries equally severe penalty of up to £200 for lighting up in the wrong place. There is no pleading ignorance either as hundreds of ugly no smoking signs have been stuck to windows of your favourite going out spots.

How do I feel? Well, my opinion is that the law is a little severe - that smoking is a personal choice and that it would be fair to have some places - private clubs, where people can do as they see fit. I could throw in that car fumes - which are also toxic will never be banned will they? Living in London, I have no choice but to breathe them.

Anyway, without wishing to open a can of worms on the subject, it is actually rather pleasant going into a café today and not walking into a wall of fuggy smoke when I get a drink.

The smoking ban must surely be positive in the long run - that it will kick start many people into kicking the habit and getting healthier.

I do wish all those ugly no smoking signs would come down, though. They really are unnecessary.