Day 9 - The fallen angel!

I had a cigarette today.

I had a weird day. I broke my laptop screen. It is going to cost a fortune to fix and of course, the insurance company wriggled out of paying for it. I took it in my stride at first, but got more annoyed about it through the day. It was my fault, admittedly. I watched a movie last night on the laptop whilst in bed (instead of going out and having some beers and cigarettes!). I fell asleep and knocked the laptop off the bed.

I was supposed to go and see a friend DJ in Brick Lane tonight, but I cancelled at the last minute as I was feeling a bit agitated. I knew that if I went and had something to drink, that I would smoke. In the end I did smoke anyway. I deliberately left the house and walked to the shop to buy some. I stood in the shop having second thoughts. I asked myself what I was doing - that I was spoiling the 9 good days I've had so far. I thought that I might set a precedent and that if I keep doing this, I won't really be giving up at all.

I bought some cigarettes. If I could of bought one (a 'loosie' - anyone remember them?) I would have. I made a big deal of going and sitting on a park bench by a pond. I lit the cigarette. It was horrible. I could really taste the tar - like when you pass roadworks, or when a roof is being pitched - the same smell and taste. I smoked the whole cigarette all the same. I had a slight regret that I didn't smoke it with a glass of wine.

I walked home with my throat feeling rough. I was already resolved not to have another one. Even now, writing this, though, my throat is burning. I've put the rest of the packet in a kitchen drawer out of the way. Now I have to do the '24 hour thing' again - and not smoke tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be fine. Luckily, I have a pretty busy day, so I'll be occupied.